Posted by: johnhourihan | February 13, 2014

Why I am no longer a Christian

I guess I am no longer a Christian. Not here in the United States.
It’s not that I have left Christianity. It seems that the basic beliefs of current American  Christianity have left me.
To be a Christian in these United States has become something my Catholic upbringing in the 1950s says is totally wrong.
Today’s rules have been tweaked by not only other Christians, but by Christian clergy.
In order to be a true American Christian in deed you must Love thy neighbor as thyself unless they are gay or Muslim or those liberals who are tolerant of either.
Today’s Christians seem to be professing that Thou shalt not kill unless it is far away and in a declared or undeclared war, or if the people you kill are members of al Qaida or Hamas, or are Syrian, Iraqi, Afghans or, well, anyone who threatens our Christian way of life on purpose or by mistake. Or of course in some instances in the heartland, if those you kill are members of our own oppressive government who fly black helicopters and are secretly trying to kill us all.
Today’s Christians in this country are now taught by example to “render unto Caesar the things that are Caesar’s” except if you don’t want to pay taxes to feed the lazy bums who are hungry, house the stupid homeless and heal the foolish sick.
We are at the same time told to comfort the sick unless it is going to cost you money you “worked your ass of for.”
Christians teach now that it is OK to feed the hungry, but again, only if it isn’t going to cost you, or unless you decide they are just lazy and stupid moochers because only  smart and industrious Republicans are worthy in the eyes of God.
We are all our brothers’  keepers unless our brother is a different color or is gay or Muslim or in some cases a Democrat. (Which in some states is seen as a communist, who everyone know are hated by God.)
Honor thy mother and father, unless they are among those moron liberals who voted for that socialist black guy. In that case they are stupid and on their own.
Thou shalt not commit adultery….oh, never mind that. Jesus never intended that to mean you couldn’t get laid. He was just talking about the Roman nobility. Don’t forget , everything in the Bible is subject to interpretation by the clergy, and today’s Christian clergy seems to come down on the side of everyone getting laid.
Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor unless it is part of your job (like at  Fox News).  Or unless your job is being a politician, especially at election time, where it is necessary to lie  because the other side is lying too. Then it’s not really lying. It is just spin. Sort of how  today’s Christians have spun that commandment.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s goods – unless it is just good for business and not personal.
Thou shalt not covet they neighbor’s wife. Well actually, thou shalt not get caught coveting thy neighbor’s wife. As long as you don’t get caught it isn’t a sin. Of course if everyone is doing it but it can’t be proven then when one guy gets caught you can be all Christianishly outraged and demand he or she lose his or her job and have to beg on the street like one of those Democrat liberal homeless moochers who are going to hell because they want to raise your taxes.
Thou shalt not steal unless you need to keep your stockholders happy. Don’t forget, “Greed is good” because it is good for the economy and the economy is the most important thing in life. The mantra of the Republican Christians in the last election.
The new Christianity says that life is sacred from the moment of conception until the moment the kid is old enough to fight in a war, and, at the same time, each  child’s life is sacred, but it is OK to starve each life to death because you “worked your ass off for your money and shouldn‘t have to pay for those kind of people“. And because lazy or stupid people aren’t sacred any more anyway. They are just moochers and a drain on society.
Gluttony is a sin, but, like greed, sometimes it is OK as long as you are with friends and celebrating something like a Super Bowl or Thanksgiving or like that.
Today’s Christians keep the Sabbath holy, except if you can make some money by working. In that case you can record that church program on EWTN and watch it after American Idol.
Avarice…who the hell knows what that is anyway? That shouldn’t be a sin. We should have an amendment. And anyway it is not in the Constitution.
Lust is bad, but it isn’t a sin, and I’ll tell you why. HBO and Cinemax are OK, and On Demand is fine since the name of the movie won’t appear on your bill so who is going to know? Duh.
Thou shalt not have false gods before thee, but it is OK to worship money and the economy because everyone knows that the economy is “the most important thing in the United States.” And it is obvious that we don’t see money as a god since we don‘t capitalize it.
And my favorite, the only way to heaven is through Jesus Christ Our Lord and Savior. The wonderful part of American Christianity is that you obviously don’t have to do what Jesus said to do, you just have to say “the only way to heaven is through Jesus” out loud and with great piety and nodding of the head as you say the word Jesus.
No, I am no longer an American Christian.
I can’t be, since I believe what I was taught at St. Mary’s school. I believe the commandments were not suggestions, and I “believe there is a God who created us and will judge us in the end, and that I should love my neighbor and treat him or her as I would want to be treated myself.”
And that is no longer part of American Christianity.



  1. I can always count on you to dice ’em up!

  2. Amen!! You put a smile back on JESUS’ face.

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