Posted by: johnhourihan | May 14, 2014

God says …..

Sometimes we don’t have to look too far to see the work of God (Photo by John Hourihan)
From time to time I have interviewed God.
The first time, was in Milford, Mass.while I was writing an opinion column for the Milford Daily News. The second time I was in Connecticut (Connecticut is like the Montreal of America. Everyone knows where it is, but no one cares. It is filled with people who are pompous for no apparent reason) And this last time I was sitting at a table outside on my porch watching a squirrel try to eat a small rock, and God came up to the table, sat down and calmly lit a cigarette.
I asked, “Aren’t You afraid you’ll catch cancer?”
And He said, “Don’t be silly. … I’m God.”
Since my first job in journalism in 1970, I had been getting ready for this interview, and I knew what my first question would be.
“Which is the right religion, You know, Christianity, Judaism, Islam?”
“None of them right now,” He said flicking His ashes into an ashtray He brought with Him. “What part of, ‘Thou shalt not kill,’ didn’t you people understand?”
Since then I have asked God several questions. They have changed over the years, but somehow the answers are still the same.
“Was Jesus your son?”
“Yes,… so are you, different way though.”
I have always said that you can get no closer to God than when you flip a coin, and before you look at it you know if you wanted it to come up heads or tails. This is sort of what the interview became.
I asked the questions, and my hand just wrote the answers without me actually thinking about it.
“Which is worse for children to see, sex or violence?”
“Oh, you mean movies and the like. Well, let’s see, one creates life and the other maims or ends it. In a way I’m sorry I ever told them to cover up in the Garden of Eden. I believe death by rock was a much worse thing than someone seeing someone else’s stuff naked. Don’t forget, if I never wanted you to see each other naked I would have said, ‘Let there be darkness.’ ” He hesitated and then added, “and sex is not a sin either. It is a pleasure. Of course it has to be consensual. See what I did there, with the spelling?”
But what about that “Thou shalt not commit adultery, thing?”
“The commandment? I was trying to rein in a couple thousand people running around in the desert for 40 years without them knowing what rules they were supposed to go by. They had been in servitude to the Egyptians for a long time, you remember. When it got too out of hand I told them to stop screwing each other…stick to your own spouse.”
“How’d that work?”
“What do you think? Look around. I’m pretty sure it didn’t take. I think they liked, ‘Go forth and multiply’ better.”
He has added to that as a sort of explanation, “Pleasure is not a sin. I didn’t create you to be depressed and frustrated. Killing is a sin, stop doing that.”
Is there a way to fix homosexuality?
“I created it, and you think it should be fixed, and that you should be the ones to fix it? Get a grip.”
“Where did we come from?”
“I created you. You have to pay attention, I created everything.”
“So evolution and the big bang theory, they’re wrong?”
“Not necessarily. I said I created it all. I didn’t say how I did it or how long it took”
“Which is the one true God?”
“It’s just names. One group calls me by one, someone else calls me by another. I know it’s hard to understand the similarities and differences and how they could all be one, but ask yourself this question. What was the name of your dog when you were a kid?”
“No, I mean the name the other dogs called him.”
I was silent.
“See, I was right. It is hard for you to understand.”
“Did Jesus really do those miracles?”
“Sure I did,… You are strange little people. You can accept that I created the universe, the galaxy, the solar system, the planet and everything on it, but you balk at changing water into wine. After all the first stuff, the last one is like a parlor trick.”
In my ultimate stupidity as a human being, I was searching for a question that would stump Him. I guess that’s one of our biggest problems. We just keep trying to fool God.
“As a species, what has been our biggest mistake?”
“Believing you can understand everything if you just use the correct method.”
“What is it you want us to do?”
“Well, if you believe in Me and treat each other in a good way, you’re pretty much on the right path. And maybe you could clean up the planet some. You have made a real mess, you know?”
“Do we have free will?”
“Of course you do, otherwise I’d be able to make you stop killing each other. By the way, they weren’t called the 10 suggestions. But don’t forget that things often change in the translation. I hate to tell you but some people made them say what they wanted them to say instead of what I actually told them.”
“Is it true that no matter what we do, we will be forgiven?”
“Sure. I’ll forgive you, but, of course, you will have to do your punishment anyway.”
“Is there a heaven and hell?”
“Yup. But you don’t understand them. Worry about what you are doing here and the rest will take care of itself.”
“Is God a man or a woman?”
“It all depends on what you can handle at the time. I’ve been both. Read your history books. I‘d much rather be seen as Selma Hayak than George Burns or Jim Carrey. Selma Hayak, I was really at the top of my game that day.”
I was saving the next one to surprise Him with.
“If You are all powerful, can You make a rock so big You can’t lift it?”
He didn’t even hesitate.
“Yes,” He said, and laughed at my silence.
I’ve got him, I thought. Finally I fooled God.
“And,” He continued, “I can then lift it. And stop ending sentences with prepositions.”
“That doesn’t make sense.”
“Not to you, but you have to understand that the reality of your situation goes far beyond ratiocination, Warriners and the Scientific Method. Just because you can’t understand it doesn’t mean it isn’t true. Quantum physics? Now you’re getting closer.”
Then God laughed, “Go ahead,” He said, “Ask your next question. I love it.”
“Am I going to heaven?”
“Flip a coin,” He said, “heads it’s heaven; tails – hell.”
I flipped a quarter.
“Well,” he laughed before I had a chance to look at it, “What do you think?”
He snubbed out his cigarette, rose and left. “Get some nuts for my squirrel,” he said over his shoulder as he walked off. “It’s the least you can do.”
God’s still hanging around here somewhere, so if you have any questions you’d like me to ask the creator of all things ask me.
I’ll see what I can do.




  1. Should religion by organized or individualized?

    • Individualized for the smart, organized for the dumb

      • I like that! Did you think about it or did God respond?

      • Either way It’s Gospel to me!

      • yes, God told methis.

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